How to Regain Trust in Someone ~ You Are Genius

Rebuilding trust after a betrayal is one of the greatest challenges a relationship can face. When we trust we’re not afraid to be goofy and quirky, we share our hopes and our fears, we’re vulnerable yet we have the confidence to take risks. And it is trust that allows us to give and receive love. When trust is violated we become self-conscious and hesitant for fear of another humiliation. But if the relationship is truly valuable and your love runs deep, trust can be re-established and relationships that survive disharmony often emerge stronger and more rewarding for the experience.

Asses the value of the relationship

1
Evaluate the relationship. While it’s sad to see any relationship go, sometimes the betrayal is a wake up call and a sign that it’s time to remember that there are many fish in the sea.
- What was the relationship like before the incident?
- Did you have fun and laugh frequently?
- Did you feel listened to?
- Did you feel that you could rely on this person?
- Was the relationship balanced or was it one-sided and not in your favor?
- Was the betrayal out of character or, in retrospect, might you have seen this coming?
2
Examine why you were in the relationship.
- Do you have history and share years of wonderful memories?
- Do you share a unique bond with this person?
- Do you make a great team?
3
Grade your relationship. Sure, grading someone sounds callous, but it is an effective and honest way to assess whether or not this person meets your needs. Besides, we deserve five-star relationships, so make sure that's what you've got.
- Identify three to five things you value most in a relationship. For some people laughter and emotional support will be among their top needs. For others, intellectual stimulation is a top priority.
- Using your grading system, determine whether or not this person is meeting your needs and is compatible with your values.

The betrayal

1
Examine the betrayal. Indeed, some people are not deserving of your trust. But sometimes, a mistake hurts because it reminds us of previous a wound. A betrayal that is calculated or born of malicious intent is a clear indication that this person is no one you can trust. But mistakes that are accidental and out of character may deserve forgiveness. Consider the following:
- Was it a calculated deceit, for example a cheating spouse, malicious gossip or sabotage by a co-worker?
- Was it accidental, like crashing your car or spilling the beans on a secret?
- Was it a one-time slip, or does the incident represent a long-standing pattern of behavior?
- Consider the circumstances: is your friend or loved one going through a particularly trying time and could this have played a part in the injury?
2
Measure the severity of the betrayal. Was it mild, moderate or severe?
- Mild offenses include blurting a secret, telling 'white' lies (lies that are told to spare your feelings, as opposed to lies told to deceive you) and complimenting your romantic partner in a way that may have seemed flirtatious. These tend to be accidental and one-time incidents. Generally, if you express your concerns, they are met with an immediate and sincere apology and a promise to be more mindful of your feelings in the future.
- Moderate offenses include gossiping about you, regularly borrowing money but rarely repaying you and regular disrespect. These behaviors reflect a lack of consideration and selfishness. It can be difficult to confront someone who seems indifferent to your feelings, but sometimes people are just oblivious, and a flawed dynamic and poor behavior can be talked through and resolved.
- Severe betrayals include stealing a significant amount of money, infidelity, spreading malicious gossip or lies, and sabotaging you at work or in some other endeavor. These are calculated betrayals, the perpetrator is aware of the grief he or she will cause and yet proceeds. In such cases, you may need to seek professional guidance to salvage the relationship, if indeed you decide to forgive.

Trusting again: it isn't easy, but it is worth it.

1
Focus on all the positives of the relationship. If you’ve decided to forgive and move forward, one of the best ways to let go of resentment, anger and suspicion is to remind yourself of all of the wonderful things this person brings to your life.
2
Talk about the incident. Be clear about your feelings, and give the other person a chance to speak.
- Discuss the event. Explain how you interpreted the event and why you were hurt. Avoid accusatory language. Give the other person the opportunity to explain the situation from their perspective.
- Establish your expectations and ask what is expected of you. This will help clarify the cause of the current problem, as well as avoid future disagreements.
3
Depersonalize the incident. Often, hurtful behavior has much more to do with the other person than it does with us. Rather than face their own issues, people project them onto a close friend, family member or partner. If the incident was borne of the other person’s insecurity, help him or her deal with the pain. This will help you view the incident with compassion and help you to forgive. Here are a few examples of hurtful behaviors that are not personal attacks:
- Someone makes a snide comment about your appearance because he or she feels unattractive.
- A partner flirts to feel desirable, not because you are unloving or unlovable.
- A friend is hyper-competitive because she feels inadequate.
- You are sabotaged by a co-worker because he fears his work is inadequate.
4
Recognize that we all make mistakes and think about the times you've received forgiveness. Likely, forgiveness gave you the opportunity to be a kind and more responsible human being. Forgiving another allows you to pass that gift on to someone else.
Tips

Be self-reliant; remember that even if your friend or loved one hurts you again, you can take care of yourself and that it is your opinion of yourself that matters the most.

Demonstrate your restored trust by sharing something important, such as a hope, a dilemma or a responsibility.

Be demonstrative of your forgiveness; make an effort to spend time with your friend or loved one.

Warnings

Holding on to resentment damages your other relationships and makes it harder to create new bonds.

Your relationship may never be the same. It could be better than ever; it could also be that your efforts to forgive may not be rewarded.

Harboring resentment increases stress; high stress levels are linked to heart disease, strokes and cancer.

Article Info

Categories: Maintaining Relationships

Recent edits by: SweetCottonCandy, Jeffrey, Monica

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