50 Ways To Leave Your Lover ~ You Are Genius

This article has nothing to do with the popular hit by Paul Simon of the same title. Very straightforward, after countless hours of research, these are the top fifty ways to end a relationship.

Send a cheese basket with a note that reads, "It's been really gouda, but I found someone chedda"
Take a mini road trip and leave them abandoned at a truck stop.
Send a text message.
Start banging their brother or sister.
Send them a postcard from another country.
Tell them you're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Leave them at Mall of America waiting in line at Orange Julius.
Go home with another person while you're on a date.
Throw a brick through their window that reads, "WE'RE DONE."
Ignore them completely, leaving them always wondering what could've been.
Telling their friend it's over and let word-of-mouth do the rest.
If they hate smoking, start chain smoking.
On their birthday, sit at the bar instead of spending time with them.
Tell them you can't be with someone who enjoys Survivor reruns.
Tell them you just got tested for hepatitis.
Better yet, get hepatitis and give it to them. Then spill the beans.
Throw up on their favorite outfit, then when they ask you to clean it, just throw it away. Do repeatedly until they leave.
Continually be an asshole.
Have sex with your coworker. Then have sex with your coworker again.
Slash their tires, then when they ask for a ride to work, drive away pointing and laughing.
Gain 80 pounds and then be overly sensitive when they say you've gained weight, ultimately ending in a breakup.
Kiss their best friend under the Eiffel Tower.
Give their favorite pet away. When they ask why tell them it was ugly.
Be mature and do it face-to-face.
Just kidding.
Talk to them as if they're a seven year old. Act like you're better than them. They'll end up leaving you.
Change your relationship status on Facebook.
Send a mass email to all their friends. Carbon Copy them.
Leave a post-it note on the door.
Leave them a long voicemail, saving the breakup for the end.
Send them a tweet saying, "let's see other people" and tag them.
Make them a Microsoft powerpoint presentation of all the happy times, pictures, music, etc. and then at the last slide, show them that it's all over.
Set them up on a date with your friend. Have your friend deliver the news.
Leave them on Christmas in front of all the relatives.
If you play an instrument, write a breakup song.
Make a short video, burn to DVD and send it in the mail.
Get in touch with their boss and have them send a fax first thing in the morning to your significant other.
Go on a meditation retreat. When you come back say you found yourself and the universe means more than meaningless relationships.
Watch porn in excess around them.
Tell them, "it's not you, it's me."
Force religion down their throat. If they're already religious, pick an opposing ideology.
If you have been together for awhile, tell them you never want to get married, you hate children and you want to travel by yourself for the rest of your life.
For girls, smother the guy into oblivion. If he is only with you for sex and discounts, the cornerstone to a healthy relationship, then chances are he'll split faster than Ernest Rutherford split the atom.
If you have a joint account, withdraw all the money and use that for a plane ticket to Australia, leaving them with nothing. Freeze their assets if that's an option.
Complain to them about everything: work, friends, money, health, mental instability, bills, etc. The more unimportant the complaints, the quicker they'll leave. Ex: I can't believe you tipped our waiter 22%. He only refilled my water two times and didn't offer us the desert menu. What if I saved room for desert? I mean honestly, sometimes I feel like I don't even know you.
Quit your job and mope around all day. An inactivity of employment in a significant other will drive anyone to leave over time.
If they're a neat freak, leave everything in disarray. Never wash dishes or clean up after yourself. They'll leave.
Tell them on a flight, leaving them the duration to figure out how it all went wrong and what they can do to take you back.
Get drunk and throw all of their shit out the door.
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...I'm leaving the last one blank because that is for you, the reader, to come up with. What are some ways you've been broken up with? What are some of the ways you have broken up with someone? Leave a comment at the bottom of the page.

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